Waiting upon the Lord

This past Sunday, a wonderful sister in our ward gave a lesson based on Elder Robert D. Hales talk, Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done. (October 2011 General Conference) I was particularly touched by this reminder because all too often I expect the good Lord to wait on me: My Will Be Done, even though there have been many instances where I can see that my will would not have gotten me anywhere near where I want to be. The most prominent example I remind myself of is finding my husband. There were several gentlemen before him that I thought would work out perfectly. I was sure that I had met the ONE. My heart would break every time a relationship or potential relationship did not work out. I thought how torturous a process dating was and that I should be exempt from the process because my poor little heart could not take so much. In retrospect the lessons I learned in previous relationships have helped me to be a better wife and mother. I also learned what I was willing to live with and what I was not. For instance, I learned that I was not compatible with a person who is content to only play video games and watch television in their free time. Video games especially, is not an activity I enjoy, I find it to be a complete waste of time, and I wanted to be with someone who had similar interests to mine. Eric does like to play video games but I don't have to pry him away to spend time with me and Bruce and playing video games is at the bottom of his priority list. He does play his games on occasion but doing so is not an obsession. Thank goodness for all of us! Now that I am married I can see what the Lord already knew; I would not be happy in a marriage where I came second to games and fantasy lands. (I do realize there are many people who enjoy a hearty dose of video gaming who do not put their family second, I am simply referring to my own experience.)

On a deeper level I struggle with having a stable mood, and have had this issue since my early teens. I hate it. I have prayed for it to go away, I have tried to live perfectly so that it would go away, I have tried medication and counseling and doctors and on and on and on and it still will not go away, but it can be handled. Only a few weeks ago the thought came to me that as for the foreseeable future this trial is here to stay. But, I can do all the things I have learned to do to manage the often tumultuous waters. In order for my mood to remain somewhat stable I must: (and when I use the word must I truly mean must, I have no option not to if I want to keep my wits about me) exercise 5-6 times a week, get 7-9 hours of sleep, eat healthy as any overdose on sugar and fat is a one way ticket to Crazy Town, attend my church meeting, say my prayers as to have the discipline to keep doing what I have to do, write in my journal 4-7 times a week, live in a clean home as clutter and messes tend to make my nerves crawl and so forth. Makes me tired just writing these things down. Instead of being angry with the Lord, as I have often been, for not making my trial disappear. I can see that He has given me many ways to have the strength to deal with it. One of the greatest strengths he has given me is my dear Eric. He does not get mad at me or frustrated when he has no idea why I am upset or angry, he just tells me he loves me and gives me a hug. Many times once he says those words my heart stops racing and my thoughts slow down and I am able to gather my senses. I have been more stable since being with Eric then I was at any time before meeting him. He tells me everyday how happy he is to be married to me and how he is the luckiest man in the world, but truly I am the lucky one. Like so many trials that come I may never know, why me? And I suppose if God wanted me to know, I would. When this particular trial seems to have lightened for a time it is so easy to say that, yes, I will wait on the Lord. Of course He knows what He is doing. But during the hard times when it feels as though someone has reached down your throat with a nail covered glove and is pulling your soul out while shredding your heart in the process, remembering to wait on the Lord is a bit more difficult. Having a positive perspective can do wonders. I think Elder Hales said it best:

As we ask these questions, we realize that the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences. How do we do this? The scriptures give us an answer in one simple phrase: we “wait upon the Lord.”¹² Tests and trials are given to all of us. These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son. He already knows, and we have the opportunity to learn, that no matter how difficult our circumstances, “all these things shall [be for our] experience, and … [our] good.”¹³

Does this mean we will always understand our challenges? Won’t all of us, sometime, have reason to ask, “O God, where art thou?”¹⁴ Yes! When a spouse dies, a companion will wonder. When financial hardship befalls a family, a father will ask. When children wander from the path, a mother and father will cry out in sorrow. Yes, “weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.”¹⁵ Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise and choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, “Thy will be done.”¹⁶

For anyone who would like to read Elder Robert D. Hales talk here is a link: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/waiting-upon-the-lord-thy-will-be-done?lang=eng